Christmas Realization

We were in the living room with Dad, and my little brother got very serious. “Dad, do you think Santa Claus got my list? ‘Cause the only really important thing on it is the sled.”

I had just recently thought I’d figured out that Dad might be Santa Claus, and I watched him for a hint of whether Joey was going to get his wish. He was down at our level, kneeling next to Joey. He looked uncomfortable. “Son, Santa can’t give us everything we ask for.”

“But I don’t want everything. All I really want is a sled. Do you think we could call him up and tell him to make sure about the sled?”

“Uh, look at the time, Little Joe. I think Santa’s already left. He has to deliver toys to a lot of kids tonight. But I think you’ll enjoy what he brings you.”

Joey looked unsure. “As long as it’s a sled I will.”

I felt sick. I could tell Dad was softening up my brother for disappointment. If I was right and Dad really was Santa, then there’d be no sled. He and Mom hadn’t bought one. I’d suspected it before. Where in this little house was there a place they could hide a sled and we wouldn’t have found it already? Now, with that look on Dad’s face, I was sure there would be no sled for Joey this year. Something had happened and Mom and Dad hadn’t realized how important this was to him. I looked at the clock. Eight-thirty. There just wasn’t time to buy a sled. Stores close early on Christmas eve, don’t they? And Mom was still at work. Joey was going to be so disappointed. I wanted the comfort of Mom now, but I knew we’d have to go to bed soon, before she came home.

We were in bed by nine. Joey was asleep by nine-oh-five. I forced myself to stay awake so I could verify my suspicion that our parents were the real Santa. I heard Mom come home from work and I briefly thought of running out there and telling them to go find a store open and buy a sled. But I decided not to. It was impossible anyway. They talked in hushed tones in the living room and still I fought to stay awake. At some point Dad peeked into our bedroom and I closed my eyes and lay very still. He quietly shut the door and I heard commotion outside our room. I was pretty sure it was the sound of them hauling out the presents. I felt a wave of emotions. First pride that I’d figured this out. Then wonder that they had been able to hide presents from us in places we hadn’t thought of looking for them. Then a sense of loss at the realization that there wasn’t really a mystical, magical Santa who could learn what we wanted for Christmas and bring it to us. Neither Mom or Dad had gone out after Mom came home, so I knew they never got a chance to buy Joey’s sled. Dreading the coming morning, I felt my eyes moisten. I wiped them and drifted off to sleep.

Joey bounced out of bed with all the enthusiasm of a naïve four-year old on Christmas morning. I woke up immediately with the sickening sensation of a too wise six-year old. He was so happy with anticipation now, but I knew in a few minutes he was going to be so sad that he didn’t get what he wanted. There was no magic in Christmas. Joey rushed into our parents bedroom to get them up. We both climbed into bed with them. Joey fidgeted and begged to go into the living room. Mom looked at the clock. Five-thirty! She complained about how early it was, that she hadn’t gotten enough sleep. But Dad seemed to catch Joey’s excitement and eventually he convinced Mom to let us go have Christmas. Joey tugged on me and Mom, then finally he dropped our hands and ran ahead. I dragged my feet. While Mom pulled on her robe, I felt Dad come up behind me and push me forward. I plodded with nervous fear down the hallway. I could see the tree now, dark. The lights weren’t on yet and it looked so sad. Joey was going to cry for sure and Mom and Dad would feel awful, then I knew I would start crying too. I shuddered then felt Dad push me along again. I looked up at him and felt the tears coming. He was looking forward, not at me. Wishing I had never learned Santa Claus was really my dad, I took a deep breath and I rounded the corner.

The first thing I saw was Joey jumping up and down with glee in front of his shiny new sled.